Forever Bipolar

Bipolar and Trying to Concieve

2009-04-23T23:40:00.000-07:00

I have been AWOL for several months and for good reason. Life has gotten a bit busy for me. We bought a house, moved, and I have a new niece and a nephew on the way. Months ago my husband and I made the decision to try to have a child. For many people who are medication for Bipolar Disorder this means discontinuing treatment until after the baby is born. I have a double whammy. I also have an infertility disorder. So what did we do to prepare for all of this change? Well, we came up with a plan. Here is what we did:

1.) spoke with Family Doctor, treating Psychiatrist, Therapist and an OB/GYN to see if it was safe for me to conceive. This included blood work, a physical and setting up appointments every week with my therapist and every two weeks with my Psychiatrist as I went off of all medications.

2.) We held a family and close friends support meeting. We explained Bipolar Disorder in detail, explained why I needed to be medicated and that going off of medications would be dangerous. We asked for support; phone calls, hanging out with me, encouragement, visits. Checking in with me on hard days to see if I was doing what I said I would do and if I wasn't calling my husband.

3.) Dedicated myself to a daily email to everyone on the "support team" with my mood, sleep patterns, weather I showered and have eaten all of my meals, weather I napped during the day, my appointments and who I corresponded with throughout the day.

4.) Signed a Medical Power of Attorney and a Durable Power of Attorney over to my husband to expire upon successfully being treated with medications either after the birth of our baby or when/if we decide we are finished trying.

5.) Went off of my medications over the course of 8 weeks.

6.) Had IUD removed and sent to OB?GYN for consultation.

I have only missed one day of a journal Entry as I call them (my daily email to my support team) Since February. The next post will be a few of my journal entries for you to read and see what it is like to go off of medications and to be off of medications for the purposes of conceiving.

Bipolar Disorder Makes For A Confusing Disorder

2008-12-15T17:49:00.000-08:00

After several weeks away, I am back. I moved about 30 minutes away from my home sweet home into a newer, bigger home sweet home. Well, we moved the weekend of Thanksgiving, but painted our butts off with our whole family the weekend before. We got most of the house, but I still have three rooms and a lot of touch up. I have bare walls and am not feeling like I am at home yet. Don't get me wrong, I love my new home, but it just don't feel like home sweet home yet.

As far as moods go, I have been all over the map. You would think I would be happy, but I find myself grieving over the other house I called home for over nine years. Then the weather came in. We have a half an inch of snow outside and I am snowed in...our street didn't get plowed until 5 PM. What am I to do. I have heard of SAD (seasonal affective disorder). I have been more depressed lately, but is it a coincidence that there is stormy weather? I usually live for Fall and Winter weather. I am at a loss. My Doctor has me trying to back off of either Klonopin by one milligram or Nuerontin by 300 milligrams. I have tried both and nothing is working. Maybe I just need to ride this out.

Forever Bipolar

Be back in a few weeks!

2008-11-13T12:20:00.000-08:00

I'm moving into a new house that I bought. Escrow is closing at the beginning of next week so until we are moved in I won't be posting any new blogs. Here is a bit of a time line. We will get keys, fix a broken window, paint the entire house, steam clean the carpets, change the locks and then move in. Yikes! Then there is the unpacking of the computer and other stuff and the obtaining of phone, Internet, electrical and propane. It is going to be a busy time for us. I will check back in as often and I can, but no promises until this move settles down. If I don't post before Thanksgiving, have a happy Thanksgiving! Count your blessings!

Giving a Part of My Identity Away Here

2008-11-10T12:05:00.000-08:00

Okay, I am going to give away my gender. The reason is because there are some issues surrounding Bipolar Disorder and my gender that should be addressed. So without further ado; I am female. And another tidbit of information about me is that I have no children.

I want children someday, but this requires a lot of planning, contemplating and reality checks. In order to be pregnant I would have to go off of all of my medications. The reason is they are unsafe for a fetus and can be passed to the fetus in utero and to a baby in breast milk. So then I would have to decide whether or not to breast feed. I know what I am like when I am unmedicated and it isn't a reality I want to ever face again. There are only a few medications that are safe to take for pregnant Bipolar women and in my research they are mild and typically ineffective in treating the disorder. To complicate the issue I have an infertility disorder which will make it difficult to conceive. Then there is the issue of my current mental health on my current meds. I still have abnormal highs and lows from time to time despite medication and I wonder if it is fair to subject a child to that. Furthermore Bipolar Disorder can be hereditary. What if my child end up with this disorder. It is difficult to deal with for me and I wouldn't want to knowingly pass that on to another person. Granted I would know how to explain it, what to do and how to speak in an educated manner with the psychiatrist.

I have been battling with this huge decision for a few years. I need to decide soon. My husband wants a child, but completely understands if I feel I can't. He was the one to get me through my darkest moments and is largely responsible for me getting professional help (which led to my diagnosis). He has been 100% supportive of me while Bipolar and everything that goes along with it.

Adoption is out because I can't imagine an agency willing to give a baby to a couple, one of whom is Bipolar. Surrogacy is a possibility, but so expensive, but I want to be pregnant. I want to feel everything there is to feel about pregnancy, labor and delivery. I want to be a mother; to feel what it is like to mold the mind of another person, to raise them in this world to be something they want to be. I am scared to death about going off of my medications. I am 99% sure I would go on fertility drugs to shorten the duration of being off of my medications. I know that I wouldn't breastfeed so that I could get back on my medications as soon as possible. I am still scared to death.

I read a book called Bipolar and Pregnant and that was of some help, but I still have concerns that only I can work out.

Does anyone have similar fears? If you are Male and have a Bipolar wife or girlfriend do you think about these things too? Does anyone have any answers, advise, experience?

-Forever Bipolar

It's been a few days...

2008-11-04T17:18:00.000-08:00

I have been AWOL for a few days and I have to keep this short. I have been very sick so I haven't been up to the task of blogging. However, I do have a bit of good news. I did a lot of research on the whole house purchasing front and I got a win....only a day after I did my research and caught the title company in a lie things started moving along again. So we will be moving sometime this month. So away I go packing into the night.

I will blog back in with you as soon as I am feeling better. Until then, keep on learning!

Be Your Own Advocate!

2008-10-30T23:16:00.000-07:00

I am really excited about some new books I ordered on Amazon.com today. I have decided that I need to become even more educated on the biology and chemistry surrounding Bipolar Disorder as well as the Psychopharmacology behind it. I realized if I don't become my own advocate I loose my voice in this battle and surrender control to doctors who, let's face it folks, may or may not have my best interests in mind. Did you know that pharmaceutical representatives go around from doctor's office to doctor's office with loads of samples in an effort to get the doctor to prescribe their drug more often? It's true. Then what happens is the drug that the doctor prescribes might not be the right fit for you. So you go back to another appointment and they give you a prescription for another drug that a different pharmaceutical representative has given them samples for. And on and on it goes.

Sometimes illegal activity can go on where the pharmaceutical company offers the doctor a set amount of money for every prescription of their drug the doctor writes. It is illegal, but folks, it happens everyday.

My suggestion in all of this is to be your own advocate. Educate yourself on Bipolar Disorder, the drugs available for your Disorder and talk to other people who are Bipolar to see what works for them. It may or may not work for you, but you will never know if you don't ask and try. Fight for the treatment you deserve. Be your own voice and let it be heard. And don't let the fact that you have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder make you think you can't take on bio/chem and psychopharmacology. Some of the most brilliant minds in this world are and were Bipolar. Einstein was and look what great things he accomplished. Take control.

Dizzy, Dizzy, Dizzy

2008-10-30T14:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I accidentally forgot to take my Effexor. I KNOW this is a mistake. I was out and about when the alarm at home went of to remind me to take it. Since I was out there was no way for me being reminded. So I completely forgot until the end of the day when I started sorting out all of my nightly pills. Wham-O! It hit me.

I feel like such a dummy! I know what happens when I forget my Effexor. I get so dizzy the next day that I have a hard time walking....so forget about going anywhere.

If you are new the the Bipolar scene, Effexor is an an antidepressant. Antidepressants increase the amount of serotonin (and in some cases dopamine as well) in your brain to help you feel better. The problem when you miss a dose is that your brain is used to the serotonin amounts with the antidepressants and decides to throw off your equilibrium as a withdrawal symptom. Some antidepressants wont have this effect for days while there are other more powerful ones like Effexor and Cymbalta that sometimes only take a few hours of a missed dose before you feel the effects.

So today I am doing a lot of sitting. Is there anyone out there that knows of a really good way to remember to take your pills?

Depressed and Desperate

2008-10-28T17:13:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I had a Doctors appointment and we have again changed up my meds. My new medication list is as follows:

Lithium ER 1500 mg once a day
Effexor ER 75 mg once a day
Neurontin 900 mg once a day
Ambien 10 mg once a day at night
Klonopin 2 mg once a day at night *this used to be 1 mg

It worked to keep me asleep for five hours which is the longest stretch so far. If it doesn't work my Doctor has said we will try to go over the pharmaceutical recommended maximum dosage to 20 mg of Ambien. Hopefully it won't come to that.

Other than that I received some news about the house that we are buying and in escrow on. The title is frozen with the FDIC because the former foreclosed title belonged to Washington Mutual. Now we are waiting for the FDIC to release the title and their is no time frame at all.

This has left me broken and depressed. I was already feeling depressed about our housing situation and then this came along. Everyone keeps saying don't worry everything will work out, it will be alright and god will get you through, but honestly I give up. I don't think it will get better. I am desperate, depressed and at the end of my rope.

- Forever Bipolar

Doctor's Appointment

2008-10-27T13:02:00.000-07:00

Today I go to see my Psychiatrist. I haven't been sleeping very well. I am getting up ever two hours and I can't seem to fall asleep for hours on end. We will see what she has to say about it. I will post another blog today to let you know.

- Forever Bipolar

What Happens When You Mix Bipolar Disorder with Other Conditions?

2008-10-25T23:32:00.000-07:00

Today was an okay day. I spent the night not sleeping well. Then I woke up to a blaring migraine. I could barely see, I was sick to my stomach and my head felt like it was going to explode. I took some heavy duty medication to get rid of it, but it makes me loopy. I called my spouse Wilson in the middle of the night (I don't even know a Wilson) and I was having a hard time staying on my side of the bed. Well, actually my feet were hanging off the side. It was horrible, but my day still turned out alright.

You see I am on a couple of drugs for my Bipolar Disorder that stimulate serotonin in my brain. I also have migraines from time to time. I have been to the doctor for my migraines because they were getting out of control. The obvious course of treatment would be to put me on a medication like Imitrex. The problem is these types of drugs stimulate serotonin as well and too much of that can cause something called Serotonin Syndrome, a potentially fatal condition. So then it was on to a mood stabilizer that has been found to help in the prevention of migraines called Topamax. The sexual side effects were too much for me and I had to stop after three months on this drug. So now I am left with narcotics. I am on Norco for migraines now. My problem is this is a highly addictive drug and I have a family history of addictive behaviors and addicts. I am at a loss for what else I can do. I feel like I am a slave to my disorder. Everything revolves around it first, then everything else. Maybe one day things won't be so difficult.

Lost in the Red Tape

2008-10-24T19:01:00.000-07:00

Last night I barely slept at all. I ran out of one of my mood stabilizers and couldn't fall asleep for a very long time. I called my doctor two days ago and asked for a refill. Usually the office makes me come in for an appointment in order to get my prescriptions which I think is ridiculous. In this case my doctor is completely booked up because of the holiday season and because what I assume is the growing amount of depression because of the economy. I don't understand why my Psychiatrists' office didn't jump on my refill. You would think they of all people would understand the importance of consistent medication. Sometimes if I have one day where I am off my meds and in a high stress environment it can throw me into a deep depression where eventually I will need even more medications to snap out of it or sometimes I can go the other way and not want to go back onto my meds because I am manic until I crash and burn still in need of further medication. I guess it is just difficult to get a few people on your side with psychiatric care. Does anyone else have this problem? Does your Psychiatrist make you come in for an appointment in order for you to get your prescriptions? Is it easy for you to get refills?

Adjusting to my Med - Looking Forward to the Future

2008-10-23T10:45:00.000-07:00

Today I was able to get up before noon. With my new medication changes I have been exhausted. I would go to bed at 10:00 and wake up at noon. Then I would be tired until around 4:00 PM. That is when I would finally start to wake up. Well today is the second day in a row where I have woken up at 10:00 am. It is a start. I want to be waking up around 7:30 or 8:00. I wonder if anyone else has this problem when they switch medications or have an increase in the dosage. This in combination with my minor depression and all the stress involved in buying a new house/packing up your soon to be old house I have been just so sick and tired of not having a normal life. I want to get up, be productive and go to bed just like everyone else. I have some hope though. My wake up time is getting earlier everyday. Hopefully it will just keep going.

Tonight I am going up to my new house to bury a septic tank. They uncovered it as part of an inspection, but we were responsible to cover it. It was buried under 3 feet of earth. We have been up there twice to try to finish the job on our own. Hopefully tonight will be our last night. I am tired of shoveling dirt.

I am getting excited though. Less than a month and we will be all moved into our new home. It is "in the sticks" as some would say. It is in the wine country and the views are wonderful! I want to get away from where we are now. There is so much pressure to keep up with the latest trends where I live. Everyone has the latest everything and that includes cars. The general attitude is pure snobbery. I will be glad to get away from it because it is so easy to get sucked it.

I'll check in with you soon.

Election: Time to Decide on Health-Care Plans

2008-10-22T12:00:00.000-07:00

As the election approaches I thought it important to study up on both presidential candidates health-care plans. With so many Bipolar Disorder suffers unable to work because of their disorder, because of side effects from medications or because of the rising costs of psychiatric care it is an important subject that should concern us all.

I found this article in the Wall Street Journal Archives dated September 16, 2008. Check it out and let me know what you think.

- Forever Bipolar

THE WALL STREET JOURNAL SEPTEMBER 16, 2008

WASHINGTON -- Republican presidential candidate John McCain's health-care plan would make only a small dent in the ranks of the uninsured, at best covering about five million more people, two new reports conclude.
Democratic nominee Barack Obama would cover more people -- eventually adding about 34 million, according to one of those reports, by the nonpartisan Tax Policy Center.

Barack Obama
Sen. Obama's plan would be costly, the center concluded: $1.6 trillion over 10 years. Sen. McCain's would cost nearly as much: $1.3 trillion over the same span. The center doesn't give either campaign credit for initiatives to reduce the cost of health care.
The advantages of the McCain plan, according to the reports, are less government regulation, a more generous tax break and, for many, more flexibility and choice in where to buy coverage.
The Tax Policy Center called its estimates for both plans preliminary because neither campaign has put out enough information to provide a full evaluation.
Similarly, a pair of studies analyzing the candidates' plans, being published Tuesday in Health Affairs, a peer-reviewed policy journal, found many details lacking.
But the campaigns have made clear what direction they would take the health-care system. The differences provide a sharp contrast for voters.
Neither plan would offer universal coverage, though Sen. Obama regularly says his would. Critics of each plan suggest the other would erode the employer-based system that currently covers some 170 million people.
The reports shed new light on the potential and the problems of each plan.

THE OBAMA PLAN:
Sen. Obama would give consumers more options, but he would increase federal regulations.

Review the candidates' positions on key issues from Iraq to health care.
He would create a new government-run plan as well as an "exchange" in which private companies would offer insurance to compete with the government plan. New rules would require that insurance companies provide coverage to everyone, at consistent prices, even those with existing ailments. Parents would be required to cover their children, and large employers would be required to cover their workers or pay a fine.
It amounts to a significant amount of new regulation, health experts Joseph Antos, Gail Wilensky and Hanns Kuttner write in Health Affairs.
"Each of these [new rules] extends the control of government over health insurance, imposing new requirements that will drive up the cost of insurance," they write.
The government-run plan would set a minimum standard for benefits that private plans would have to meet, they explain. Politically, there will be pressure to include generous benefits, they say, and that will lead to high premiums, leaving few options for those who want cheaper, more basic coverage.

It is likely that companies would be required to offer the same generous benefits to their workers, they say -- another increase in government regulation.
Still, the impact on the uninsured is significant. Overall, the Tax Policy Center predicts that the Obama plan would reduce the number of uninsured by 18 million people in the first year and by 34 million in 10 years.

THE McCAIN PLAN:
Sen. McCain would reduce both state and federal regulations and give consumers more choices about where to buy health insurance.
Current law offers a tax break only to those who get insurance through their jobs. The McCain plan would give a refundable tax credit to all who find coverage: $2,500 per person or $5,000 per family. In trade, workers would pay income taxes on the value of health insurance as part of their compensation.
But, unlike a similar plan put forth by President George W. Bush last year, health benefits still would be exempt from the payroll tax paid by workers and employers, and that is why the McCain plan is more expensive than Mr. Bush's, said Len Burman, director of the Tax Policy Center.
Because people could buy insurance on their own, some would leave the employer-sponsored system, especially young and healthy people who can get a better deal on their own. Older, sicker people are likely to face problems buying coverage.
Overall, the Tax Policy Center and the four academics writing in Health Affairs project that about 20 million would leave employer-sponsored coverage, while about 21 million people would be newly covered on the open market. That is a net increase of about one million insured people.
"Many employers would be quick to drop health benefits in response to a major policy change, such as the McCain plan, that greatly altered the business case for offering benefits," the article concludes.
The Tax Policy Center projects that the number of newly insured Americans could climb in future years and perhaps reach five million people before dropping again.
The Health Affairs article, whose lead author is Thomas Buchmueller of the University of Michigan, finds other problems with the McCain plan. Because administrative costs are higher on the open market, where insurers evaluate customers individually, he predicts that coverage would be more expensive but less generous.
The McCain plan would allow consumers to buy insurance across state lines. That would give people more choices, but it also would undermine state laws that mandate certain benefits and provide various consumer protections.

Bipolar, Stigma and the Big Hollywood Machine

2008-10-21T15:59:00.000-07:00

Being Bipolar is difficult. Your mind races at what seems like an alarming rate, you swing from anger, depression, elation, rage and excitement. And Bipolar Disorder seems to run hand-in-hand with other problems like Anxiety Disorder, Panic Attacks, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, ADD, ADHD, Phobic Disorders, Hypochondria, and sometimes even Scizhhophrenia. Women and men can suffer from sexual dysfunction as a result of medications and can even end up with Tardive Dyskinesia and Thyroid Disorders from Medication. Of course there is the stigma associated with Bipolar Disorder. It is frustrating to know that our society is so behind. Depression is now an socially acceptable mental condition and so is ADHD and ADD, but so many other disorders are not socially acceptable. Bipolar is getting exposure though and I think that is part, but not nearly all of the battle. Bipolar Disorder has been featured on Law and Order a number of times, Degrassi the Next Generation, General Hospital, ER, and Everwood to name a few. Sometimes these portrayals increase the stigma of Bipolar Disorder while other times it is an accurate portrayal and a healthy response. Law and Order: SVU has had both portrayals. Their most recent episode had an accurate portrayal of someone suffering from Bipolar, but had a poor response from the other characters. An older episode of SVU shows Bipolar Disorder in an accurate portrayal and a healthy reaction. These shows can be unbearable to watch if you are the one with Bipolar Disorder, but maybe in its own way it is good for us to watch-a good reminder of what happens when we choose to stop taking our medications.

- Forever Bipolar

Med Lists are a Good Thing

2008-10-21T13:11:00.000-07:00

If you are Bipolar, especially if you are newly diagnosed there is something that I highly recommend you do: keep a list of all medications you have been prescribed for future reference. I have not done this and I regret it. I wish someone would have told me that it is a good thing to do. I went through a number of different psychiatrists until I found the right fit and it took me a few years to find the right Doctor. My current doctor has often asked me if I would like to try a different medication and sometimes I would know I have been on that medication before and other times I wouldn't be able to remember. So I highly recommend you make a list, keep a list and make sure you don't loose it. And don't just keep a list of the names of the drugs, keep a list of the dosage. Sometimes a former doctor might not have gone on a high enough dose on a drug for it to really impact your mood problem. Also write down the reason why you stopped this drug. This is what I can remember:

Celexa

Wellbutrin
Lexapro - 15mg and then adjusted to 7 mg then adjusted to 3.5 mg and then the 3.5 mg every other day. Medication wasn't working for depressive symptoms and was very difficult to go off of. I had serious serotonin withdrawal.

Abilify - didn't work at all

Geodon - went on it and it caused me to pass out so I discontinued use

Prazonsin - this is a blood pressure medication and it is also used to get rid of nightmares. I went on it to get rid of nightmares. Later on I went off of it because on of my other medications were helping to get rid of my nightmares.

Seroquel - worked great on my mood and helped my sleep, but I began to have symptoms of Tardive Dyskinesia so I had to discontinue use.

Lamictal - Not working to stabilize my mania.

Trazodone - stopped working for helping with my sleep.

Depakote - not working to stabilize my mania and was my very first mood stabilizer.

Risperdal - tried it to aid in sleep. It was short lived and didn't work.

Topamax -worked and even helped with my migraines, but I have horrible sexual side effects. No libido at all. After months of being on this drug I couldn't stand the side effect anymore.

Lithobid - Worked fine, but I couldn't take decongestants with it and I have bad allergies. I went off of it and it was supplemented with something else.

Ativan - was given this when I was in the psychiatric hospital.

Vistaril - this is a histamine based anxiety drug. It stopped working after many months of use.

Valium - given this during a hospital stay when I had a bad reaction to a new medication to help me relax.

Lunesta - Tried this for sleep and it didn't work.

Rozerem - Tried this for sleep and it worked for about a month and then stopped working.

Effexor 75 mg *currently on this medication.

Lithium ER 1500mg *currently on this medication and it has been adjusted/increased several times.

Neurontin 900mg *currently on this medication.

Ambien 10 mg * currently on this medication and been on it three other times.

Klonopin 1 mg *currently on this medication

Good luck to you as you make your lists! I hope it looks better than mine.

- Forever Bipolar

Brittney Spears Has Something in Common with Bipolars

2008-10-20T12:55:00.000-07:00

Well, I am still adjusting to my increase in my Neurontin. I went to bed last night at 10:30 and woke up at noon! Yikes! Talk about sleeping the day away. I am having horrible nightmares too. I used to have vivid dreams and horrible nightmares that bordered on night terrors before I went on medications for Bipolar Disorder. They went away for the most part when I went on medications, but lately I am back to strange vivid dreams and nightmares. I wish I could get rid of them. I guess as far as sleeping a whole lot - I don't really care. I feel like maybe I deserve it for all those years of insomnia and surviving on 2 hours of sleep.

Anyhow, here is my rant for the day. Being Bipolar it seems like you have to hide it. If you tell the wrong person they think you are crazy and you risk having them tell everyone they know (I know this from experience). And furthermore Bipolar Disorder falls under the Mental Illness category. I for one hate this phrase! I am not mentally ill! I am not mentally unfit! I have a chemical imbalance that I have to fix by taking a few pills. I go to therapy, yes, but so should half of the world. I guess I can't believe how ignorant some people can be. Before I was diagnosed I had a lot of friends. Actually all of them attended the church I also attended. I was VERY involved in the church. So was my spouse. The church was a VERY large church and many people knew who we were because we were so involved. I confided in one of the pastors at the church just after I had been diagnosed because I was having a hard time dealing with the diagnosis. He turned around and told everyone in the ministries both my spouse and I were involved in. It was so hurtful. We were left with absolutely no support except each other and my side of the family. Even my spouse's side of the family told everyone they knew even though we told them not to tell. Some of my spouse's siblings have since come around. One is even fully supportive now and understands my mental hospital admittance a while back, but my spouse's parents are still horrible to me, treat me like I am nuts, never listen to me when I speak and are just flat out rude. It is so difficult and it is all because people choose to be ignorant about this disorder. Depression is now a socially acceptable diagnosis, but not Bipolar Disorder. We are treated like we have the plague. Look at Brittney Spears. She had all sorts of problems in the public eye (all were common symptoms of Bipolar Disorder) and was diagnosed as being Bipolar. Now she has been treated and doing well, but her career will never be the same. So this is my warning to you, get as much support as you can, but be VERY careful who you tell. It will affect the rest of your life.

- Forever Bipolar

I Survived it

2008-10-18T22:35:00.000-07:00

Well, today I went to a party where some of the people who were/are rude to me because I am Bipolar were also in attendance. They hurt me badly back then. I thought they were close friends. Some of them are family and when they found out that I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder they freaked out, told everyone they knew and started treating me like I was crazy - almost like I carried the plague. It was awful and I still am not fully over it.

However, tonight I felt like I was just fine with them around. Tonight I showed them that they are the ones missing out on a great friendship. I showed them that I can rise above it- me the Bipolar and them the "normal" person. Guess I showed them who is mentally "healthy." It felt really good and gave my self esteem a huge boost!

I am tired though. Not sleeping well last night paired with a long day today makes me very tired right now. So I am off to bed.

- Forever Bipolar

Tired As Suspected

2008-10-18T10:25:00.000-07:00

That's right! I finally got to bed around 2:00 AM and as you can imagine, I am exhausted! I woke up at 10:00 AM and feel like I could sleep another 4 hours. Oh well, it doesn't matter how tired I am today, I have a lot to do!!

Today I will be at a house warming party for someone close and there will be a lot of people there....including some I don't get a long with well and some who have treated me different/poorly since they heard about my unfortunate Bipolar Diagnosis years ago. It is always difficult to face these people. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am a good person and that Bipolar Disorder doesn't define who I am. There has always been a large part of me that wants to strike back at those who have taken the news of my Bipolar Diagnosis and treated me like I was crazy. I keep thinking - where is the justice? Honestly I am not sure there is any really and I want to have clean hands in these old relationships. I want to be able to hold my head up high knowing I did nothing wrong and that I am certainly not crazy despite what the world thinks of me.

I'll check back in later with an update!

- Forever Bipolar

Racing Thoughts

2008-10-17T23:56:00.000-07:00

Yup! It is 11:56 PM and I can't fall asleep. Why? Because my mind is racing faster and faster by the second. I think about the new house we are buying, the new paint job we will need, the appliances we bought, the packing still left to do, the waiting for escrow to close. And then there are other thoughts too that seep into my brain. What time do I need to leave tomorrow for that house warming party? Scenes from a television show called Heroes bounces around my mind. I think I ate too much tonight, I am angry at a situation between me and a sibling and I want sex. It wont stop. All these thoughts and it feels like all at once. I could think of an object and end up thinking about something completely unrelated in the end. For example: a red brick - the movie Brick - weird guy that played an alien -Area 51 - Nevada - Las Vegas - gambling - drinking - hotel room -sex.

How abnormal am I to be thinking thoughts like these late at night while I am trying to fall asleep? Keep in mind that I am on a major sedative Klonopin and Ambien a sleeping pill. What is wrong with me?!?! Why can't I fall asleep like my spouse. Their head hits the pillow and they are out like a light. I HAVE INSOMNIA! I hate it but it is true. I have been on every sleeping drug under the sun and nothing really helps. It is a large part of my Bipolar curse. I am so tired all the time.

Things I have tried for sleep: Meditation, Yoga, Regular Exercise (this actually made me more manic), Aromatherapy, Candles With Soothing Music, Ocean Sounds, Sleeping On The Couch, Sleeping On The Futon, Sleeping Without Covers, Sleeping With All The Covers, Valerian Root Tea (don't try this one without talking to your Doctor first because it can negatively interact with your other medications), Chamomile Tea, New Age Foot Bath Reading, Reading, Watching Television, Journaling, Ear Plugs, Massage.

Medications I have tried for sleep: Lunesta, Restoril, Ambien, Sonata, Ativan, Klonopin, Neurontin, Rozerem, Trazodone, Valium, Tylenol PM, Simply Sleep, Excedrine PM, Benadryl

I am at a loss for what to do next. I have been tested for sleep apnea and I don't have that. I have have all my glands checked out, my hormone levels checked, and glucose levels check too. Nothing can explain my horrible insomnia. Who knows how long I will be up tonight. Maybe I will take another Klonopin. The doc says I can take up to two pills if I need to. I just hate when I take another pill and it doesn't work because then I have put something in my body that doesn't need to be there.

At this point I might just write another blog if I don't get some sleep soon.

- Forever Bipolar

Coping with stress

2008-10-17T18:06:00.001-07:00

So I am moving in about a month. It is supposed to a good thing. The house of my dreams! My spouse and I have been up to our necks in boxes. You see we offered on a short sale in June and everything sounded like it was going to go smoothly and quickly, but that changed and after three months we decided to start looking for a different house. We found one in a couple of weeks and made an offer. They accepted and everything is rolling. The only thing is they want a longer escrow than we want. We really don't have a choice. It is this or no house, but now I have been living in boxes for over four months. I feel like I am going crazy! I thought I could handle the stress of it all at first. I even told my psychiatrist I wasn't ready to adjust or add any new medications about a month ago. Well last week I went back for another appointment and asked that we do something. I have low energy, am depressed, frequently crying, getting angry, and yelling.

I think I was in denial. Let me be honest here, I hate being bipolar. I wish I was normal and I wanted to think I could be normal like a normal person in a stressful situation like this. I guess I just had to come to grips with the fact that I am not normal and am bipolar. I had to swallow my pride and decide if I wanted to feel better or wallow in my own misery. My meds have now been adjusted and I am feeling better, but still not at 100%. I am going to give it a few more weeks before I decide whether or not to ask for more changes to my medications.

So at the end of the day here are my medications:

1800 mg of Lithium ER
900 mg of Neurontin *this used to be 600 mg and was adjusted
10 mg of Ambien
1 mg of Klonopin
37.5 mg Effexor ER *this used to be 37.5 mg and was adjusted

I also take Omega 3 supplements (recent studies have shown it helps manage bipolar mood swings) Flaxseed Oil Supplements and a Daily Multi Vitamin religiously.

I hope you all are feel well!

-Forever Bipolar

Starting a Bipolar Blog

2008-10-17T16:39:00.000-07:00

Hi!

It has been an idea of mine for a long time to start a blog about my life as a Bipolar adult. It is to help others either suffering from this disorder or to help their friends and families better understand the disorder. If you have questions, ask by leaving a comment or emailing me at BIPOLARMADNESS@GMAIL.COM.

I have been living with Bipolar Disorder for 10 years and found out about it about 5 years ago. I have been on medications and in therapy for the last five years. I have been on many medications too so if you have questions about those, please feel free to ask. I am not a medical doctor or a pharmacology expert, but I can speak to my experiences with drugs I have been on and tell you what I have heard about others.

Mainly just check out this blog and keep reading. I will be completely honest with you about what is going on in my life. I will not disclose my name, gender, and location. If there is one thing I have learned about being bipolar it is that remaining anonymous when speaking of my disorder in a public forum is critical!

I hope you enjoy the site and that it is helpful to you.

- Forever Bipolar