Giving a Part of My Identity Away Here

Okay, I am going to give away my gender. The reason is because there are some issues surrounding Bipolar Disorder and my gender that should be addressed. So without further ado; I am female. And another tidbit of information about me is that I have no children.

I want children someday, but this requires a lot of planning, contemplating and reality checks. In order to be pregnant I would have to go off of all of my medications. The reason is they are unsafe for a fetus and can be passed to the fetus in utero and to a baby in breast milk. So then I would have to decide whether or not to breast feed. I know what I am like when I am unmedicated and it isn't a reality I want to ever face again. There are only a few medications that are safe to take for pregnant Bipolar women and in my research they are mild and typically ineffective in treating the disorder. To complicate the issue I have an infertility disorder which will make it difficult to conceive. Then there is the issue of my current mental health on my current meds. I still have abnormal highs and lows from time to time despite medication and I wonder if it is fair to subject a child to that. Furthermore Bipolar Disorder can be hereditary. What if my child end up with this disorder. It is difficult to deal with for me and I wouldn't want to knowingly pass that on to another person. Granted I would know how to explain it, what to do and how to speak in an educated manner with the psychiatrist.

I have been battling with this huge decision for a few years. I need to decide soon. My husband wants a child, but completely understands if I feel I can't. He was the one to get me through my darkest moments and is largely responsible for me getting professional help (which led to my diagnosis). He has been 100% supportive of me while Bipolar and everything that goes along with it.

Adoption is out because I can't imagine an agency willing to give a baby to a couple, one of whom is Bipolar. Surrogacy is a possibility, but so expensive, but I want to be pregnant. I want to feel everything there is to feel about pregnancy, labor and delivery. I want to be a mother; to feel what it is like to mold the mind of another person, to raise them in this world to be something they want to be. I am scared to death about going off of my medications. I am 99% sure I would go on fertility drugs to shorten the duration of being off of my medications. I know that I wouldn't breastfeed so that I could get back on my medications as soon as possible. I am still scared to death.

I read a book called Bipolar and Pregnant and that was of some help, but I still have concerns that only I can work out.

Does anyone have similar fears? If you are Male and have a Bipolar wife or girlfriend do you think about these things too? Does anyone have any answers, advise, experience?

-Forever Bipolar