Bipolar and Trying to Concieve

I have been AWOL for several months and for good reason. Life has gotten a bit busy for me. We bought a house, moved, and I have a new niece and a nephew on the way. Months ago my husband and I made the decision to try to have a child. For many people who are medication for Bipolar Disorder this means discontinuing treatment until after the baby is born. I have a double whammy. I also have an infertility disorder. So what did we do to prepare for all of this change? Well, we came up with a plan. Here is what we did:

1.) spoke with Family Doctor, treating Psychiatrist, Therapist and an OB/GYN to see if it was safe for me to conceive. This included blood work, a physical and setting up appointments every week with my therapist and every two weeks with my Psychiatrist as I went off of all medications.

2.) We held a family and close friends support meeting. We explained Bipolar Disorder in detail, explained why I needed to be medicated and that going off of medications would be dangerous. We asked for support; phone calls, hanging out with me, encouragement, visits. Checking in with me on hard days to see if I was doing what I said I would do and if I wasn't calling my husband.

3.) Dedicated myself to a daily email to everyone on the "support team" with my mood, sleep patterns, weather I showered and have eaten all of my meals, weather I napped during the day, my appointments and who I corresponded with throughout the day.

4.) Signed a Medical Power of Attorney and a Durable Power of Attorney over to my husband to expire upon successfully being treated with medications either after the birth of our baby or when/if we decide we are finished trying.

5.) Went off of my medications over the course of 8 weeks.

6.) Had IUD removed and sent to OB?GYN for consultation.



I have only missed one day of a journal Entry as I call them (my daily email to my support team) Since February. The next post will be a few of my journal entries for you to read and see what it is like to go off of medications and to be off of medications for the purposes of conceiving.

Bipolar Disorder Makes For A Confusing Disorder

After several weeks away, I am back. I moved about 30 minutes away from my home sweet home into a newer, bigger home sweet home. Well, we moved the weekend of Thanksgiving, but painted our butts off with our whole family the weekend before. We got most of the house, but I still have three rooms and a lot of touch up. I have bare walls and am not feeling like I am at home yet. Don't get me wrong, I love my new home, but it just don't feel like home sweet home yet.

As far as moods go, I have been all over the map. You would think I would be happy, but I find myself grieving over the other house I called home for over nine years. Then the weather came in. We have a half an inch of snow outside and I am snowed in...our street didn't get plowed until 5 PM. What am I to do. I have heard of SAD (seasonal affective disorder). I have been more depressed lately, but is it a coincidence that there is stormy weather? I usually live for Fall and Winter weather. I am at a loss. My Doctor has me trying to back off of either Klonopin by one milligram or Nuerontin by 300 milligrams. I have tried both and nothing is working. Maybe I just need to ride this out.

Forever Bipolar

Be back in a few weeks!

I'm moving into a new house that I bought. Escrow is closing at the beginning of next week so until we are moved in I won't be posting any new blogs. Here is a bit of a time line. We will get keys, fix a broken window, paint the entire house, steam clean the carpets, change the locks and then move in. Yikes! Then there is the unpacking of the computer and other stuff and the obtaining of phone, Internet, electrical and propane. It is going to be a busy time for us. I will check back in as often and I can, but no promises until this move settles down. If I don't post before Thanksgiving, have a happy Thanksgiving! Count your blessings!

Giving a Part of My Identity Away Here

Okay, I am going to give away my gender. The reason is because there are some issues surrounding Bipolar Disorder and my gender that should be addressed. So without further ado; I am female. And another tidbit of information about me is that I have no children.

I want children someday, but this requires a lot of planning, contemplating and reality checks. In order to be pregnant I would have to go off of all of my medications. The reason is they are unsafe for a fetus and can be passed to the fetus in utero and to a baby in breast milk. So then I would have to decide whether or not to breast feed. I know what I am like when I am unmedicated and it isn't a reality I want to ever face again. There are only a few medications that are safe to take for pregnant Bipolar women and in my research they are mild and typically ineffective in treating the disorder. To complicate the issue I have an infertility disorder which will make it difficult to conceive. Then there is the issue of my current mental health on my current meds. I still have abnormal highs and lows from time to time despite medication and I wonder if it is fair to subject a child to that. Furthermore Bipolar Disorder can be hereditary. What if my child end up with this disorder. It is difficult to deal with for me and I wouldn't want to knowingly pass that on to another person. Granted I would know how to explain it, what to do and how to speak in an educated manner with the psychiatrist.

I have been battling with this huge decision for a few years. I need to decide soon. My husband wants a child, but completely understands if I feel I can't. He was the one to get me through my darkest moments and is largely responsible for me getting professional help (which led to my diagnosis). He has been 100% supportive of me while Bipolar and everything that goes along with it.

Adoption is out because I can't imagine an agency willing to give a baby to a couple, one of whom is Bipolar. Surrogacy is a possibility, but so expensive, but I want to be pregnant. I want to feel everything there is to feel about pregnancy, labor and delivery. I want to be a mother; to feel what it is like to mold the mind of another person, to raise them in this world to be something they want to be. I am scared to death about going off of my medications. I am 99% sure I would go on fertility drugs to shorten the duration of being off of my medications. I know that I wouldn't breastfeed so that I could get back on my medications as soon as possible. I am still scared to death.

I read a book called Bipolar and Pregnant and that was of some help, but I still have concerns that only I can work out.

Does anyone have similar fears? If you are Male and have a Bipolar wife or girlfriend do you think about these things too? Does anyone have any answers, advise, experience?

-Forever Bipolar

It's been a few days...

I have been AWOL for a few days and I have to keep this short. I have been very sick so I haven't been up to the task of blogging. However, I do have a bit of good news. I did a lot of research on the whole house purchasing front and I got a win....only a day after I did my research and caught the title company in a lie things started moving along again. So we will be moving sometime this month. So away I go packing into the night.

I will blog back in with you as soon as I am feeling better. Until then, keep on learning!

Be Your Own Advocate!

I am really excited about some new books I ordered on Amazon.com today. I have decided that I need to become even more educated on the biology and chemistry surrounding Bipolar Disorder as well as the Psychopharmacology behind it. I realized if I don't become my own advocate I loose my voice in this battle and surrender control to doctors who, let's face it folks, may or may not have my best interests in mind. Did you know that pharmaceutical representatives go around from doctor's office to doctor's office with loads of samples in an effort to get the doctor to prescribe their drug more often? It's true. Then what happens is the drug that the doctor prescribes might not be the right fit for you. So you go back to another appointment and they give you a prescription for another drug that a different pharmaceutical representative has given them samples for. And on and on it goes.

Sometimes illegal activity can go on where the pharmaceutical company offers the doctor a set amount of money for every prescription of their drug the doctor writes. It is illegal, but folks, it happens everyday.

My suggestion in all of this is to be your own advocate. Educate yourself on Bipolar Disorder, the drugs available for your Disorder and talk to other people who are Bipolar to see what works for them. It may or may not work for you, but you will never know if you don't ask and try. Fight for the treatment you deserve. Be your own voice and let it be heard. And don't let the fact that you have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder make you think you can't take on bio/chem and psychopharmacology. Some of the most brilliant minds in this world are and were Bipolar. Einstein was and look what great things he accomplished. Take control.

Dizzy, Dizzy, Dizzy

Yesterday I accidentally forgot to take my Effexor. I KNOW this is a mistake. I was out and about when the alarm at home went of to remind me to take it. Since I was out there was no way for me being reminded. So I completely forgot until the end of the day when I started sorting out all of my nightly pills. Wham-O! It hit me.

I feel like such a dummy! I know what happens when I forget my Effexor. I get so dizzy the next day that I have a hard time walking....so forget about going anywhere.

If you are new the the Bipolar scene, Effexor is an an antidepressant. Antidepressants increase the amount of serotonin (and in some cases dopamine as well) in your brain to help you feel better. The problem when you miss a dose is that your brain is used to the serotonin amounts with the antidepressants and decides to throw off your equilibrium as a withdrawal symptom. Some antidepressants wont have this effect for days while there are other more powerful ones like Effexor and Cymbalta that sometimes only take a few hours of a missed dose before you feel the effects.

So today I am doing a lot of sitting. Is there anyone out there that knows of a really good way to remember to take your pills?

Depressed and Desperate

Yesterday I had a Doctors appointment and we have again changed up my meds. My new medication list is as follows:

Lithium ER 1500 mg once a day
Effexor ER 75 mg once a day
Neurontin 900 mg once a day
Ambien 10 mg once a day at night
Klonopin 2 mg once a day at night *this used to be 1 mg

It worked to keep me asleep for five hours which is the longest stretch so far. If it doesn't work my Doctor has said we will try to go over the pharmaceutical recommended maximum dosage to 20 mg of Ambien. Hopefully it won't come to that.

Other than that I received some news about the house that we are buying and in escrow on. The title is frozen with the FDIC because the former foreclosed title belonged to Washington Mutual. Now we are waiting for the FDIC to release the title and their is no time frame at all.

This has left me broken and depressed. I was already feeling depressed about our housing situation and then this came along. Everyone keeps saying don't worry everything will work out, it will be alright and god will get you through, but honestly I give up. I don't think it will get better. I am desperate, depressed and at the end of my rope.

- Forever Bipolar

Doctor's Appointment

Today I go to see my Psychiatrist. I haven't been sleeping very well. I am getting up ever two hours and I can't seem to fall asleep for hours on end. We will see what she has to say about it. I will post another blog today to let you know.

- Forever Bipolar

What Happens When You Mix Bipolar Disorder with Other Conditions?

Today was an okay day. I spent the night not sleeping well. Then I woke up to a blaring migraine. I could barely see, I was sick to my stomach and my head felt like it was going to explode. I took some heavy duty medication to get rid of it, but it makes me loopy. I called my spouse Wilson in the middle of the night (I don't even know a Wilson) and I was having a hard time staying on my side of the bed. Well, actually my feet were hanging off the side. It was horrible, but my day still turned out alright.

You see I am on a couple of drugs for my Bipolar Disorder that stimulate serotonin in my brain. I also have migraines from time to time. I have been to the doctor for my migraines because they were getting out of control. The obvious course of treatment would be to put me on a medication like Imitrex. The problem is these types of drugs stimulate serotonin as well and too much of that can cause something called Serotonin Syndrome, a potentially fatal condition. So then it was on to a mood stabilizer that has been found to help in the prevention of migraines called Topamax. The sexual side effects were too much for me and I had to stop after three months on this drug. So now I am left with narcotics. I am on Norco for migraines now. My problem is this is a highly addictive drug and I have a family history of addictive behaviors and addicts. I am at a loss for what else I can do. I feel like I am a slave to my disorder. Everything revolves around it first, then everything else. Maybe one day things won't be so difficult.